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Love and trust, in the space bewteen what's said and what's heard in our life, makes all the difference in the world- Mr. Rogers
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| I'm still still still smiling |
| 02.14.04 (6:39 pm) [edit] |
she called to say that she won't wait a week- she wants to see me...
she called just to say hi. I love that.
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| i'm still smiling |
| 02.14.04 (1:48 pm) [edit] |
This girl, this new amazing girl, this girl, this really wonderful girl kissed me or I kissed her- I don't know and I don't really care
It just happend.
And yeah, we were drunk and I was a bit over anxious (and I hope she doesn't hold that against me- so unlike me) but it was still great-
I can't stop thinking about her.
I'm so distracted.
And I can't believe I actually said goodnight... "just give me a week" ARE YOU KIDDING
how was able to walk away from her I haven't the slightest I idea, but I know it won't happen again
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| there's a difference |
| 02.12.04 (7:46 pm) [edit] |
Caught up on an individual v. Caught up in the circumstances surrounding them
I believe you can be over someone, the individual- but still hurt by the situation in which the relationship ended. By situation, I mean the circumstances in which you broke up, I mean the lingering questions like WTF happend. I mean in instances when you know your partner lied to you and you don't know why.
In many cases, I see people going back to people that hurt them, myself included, but is this some sick/twisted self-torture, NO. It is a way to get questions answered, to at least try to end on better terms and perhaps in some cases to get one last good lay.
That aside, I'm serious. I think as a whole people need a reasons and answers. The "it's not you, it's me line" is utter crap. And when things end abruptly or after you feel as though you've been mislead- it isn't too much to ask to get a reason or an explaination.
Someone cheats on you, how do you not take it personally? Someone abuses your trust or takes advantage of you, how do you trust again?
What I guess I'm trying to say is that, there is a difference in wanting to know why another person could hurt another so badly and wanting that person back.
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| noting to say |
| 01.31.04 (6:09 pm) [edit] |
I'm tired of feeling this way
I'm on the verge of tears every minute of everyday
I don't want to see or being seen
i don't talk-i have nothing to say
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| Just when I thought it was safe to say hello |
| 01.28.04 (11:18 pm) [edit] |
I wish you would stop, I wish I could tell you how much you hurt me and how much effort it is to endure your presence. There are moments when I'm right there looking at you and I need to say "let me love you again", more than I need to breathe.
But then there are nights when I walk out your door and want nothing more than to never return. When I would rather never hear you speak again than to hear "see you tomorrow, and goodnight, my sweet friend." I am at the point where I will keep walking, instead of trying to explain that I can't take just watching you anymore. You just don't get it- listen and not just to my words.
It is bad enough that I've listened to stories about all the other women not worthy of you, but whom get to be in your thoughts, in your bed. It has been bad enough to recognize that, yes I had a chance, a chance I wasn't ready for then, but now... well, haven't been thought of since. The maddening question, if I had said what you needed to hear that night, would I be sitting here instead writing a love song?
I wish you knew the continued pain because then you would realize how difficult it is for me to be just "around" you. You wouldn't call just to say hello and ask where I've been or why I haven't stopped by. You wouldn't put Ani on or anything else that means so much to the both of us when I do muster the courage to see you. I would hope that you wouldn't take my hands and rub them down- "because i know it relaxes you."
I know you think you are helping, "isn't this what friends do." No, no they don't but if they do then I just can't accept that from you. I can't accept your everyday without wanting to be part of your everynight. I can't see you and know I'm nothing more to you than just a friend. I can't have you crying in my arms and not want to kiss away your tears before they form at the corner of your eyes.
I don't know how to ask. I don't think I could actually say No to you, so I will walk away and for my sake don't follow- not even to say you love me.
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| Say no more |
| 01.23.04 (1:41 pm) [edit] |
Tell me it’s ok-
Encourage the hidden fear
Tell me you never had any intention-
Lie, and I’ll adore the truth you embody
Tell me you can’t-
Yell it, and I’ll hear the whisper of doubt in your eyes
Tell me about perfection-
Try to convince me it doesn’t exist as I stare right at you
Tell me about other, better worlds to conquer-
And still, I’ll journey no further
Tell me not to care so much
Tell me you’re right
Tell me not to hurt the way I can
Tell me not to worry about this
Tell me you understand
Tell me you believe
Tell me I’m not worth it
Tell me that you are
Tell me everything
- by saying nothing more
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| In a pause |
| 01.22.04 (10:35 am) [edit] |
Enduring the lurking dangers hidden on each synapse
The summoned memories fail to comfort,
the faded images are contrived synthetic reflections
And yet when confined to the silence between each heartbeat
I encounter you effortlessly
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| Where I'm coming from |
| 01.22.04 (9:14 am) [edit] |
Every week, we do this and every week I tell myself this is the last time. The annual phone call breaks the monotony of my day; I answer it eagerly and promise that next week, I’ll let it ring. Not today though, today I want to see you. Today, you sound as if you need some company. I admit it isn't the most perfect rationalization, but it’s still good enough for me to break my weekly pact. I agree to meet you there.
Sitting in coffee houses made for the intellectual encounters between lovers, we discuss the injustices in this world. You roll your eyes at my comment, we talk about it, I fall more in love. You make a brilliant point, we solve the world's problems, and I could careless. The real world is miles away as words pour from the mouth that I long to kiss. And not just any words, articulate well-spoken words that form ideas that I could never conceive.
You go back to the work in front of you. I continue to take you in. Your infinitely deep blue eyes scan the screen in front you- I wish you would look at me. Your hands move effortlessly- I wish they would hold me. Your face so beautifully set in the expression you make when you're concentrating- why can’t you think about me the way I dream of you.
I observe in silent contemplation, the line of your neck, the way you move, and the way you think. All the jokes, the way we agree to disagree so we can continue to argue without fighting, your spirit, your patience, the way your heart is behind everything you do, your carefree ways, how wonderful you are to strangers and how down the line our expectations of a lover match. Our wants, needs and desires align perfectly…
Finally you notice and catch me staring. Sorry, sometimes I can’t help it, the view from here is just too good, especially if you’re going to smile at me like that. What just crossed your mind? Which smile is that? There are at least seven different versions. Ahh, that smile, have I told you that smile, actually all seven of them, melt a place in me that I never knew existed. The knot in my stomach that was slowly releasing now pulls taught...
“What could you possibly be doing over there?”
"As usual, trying to figure out how to make you fall in love with me."
I wish I could say that and within an awkward silence, my frustration screams at me to say, I want you. I want your happiness, to kiss the mark on your neck, to run my hands through your hair. I want to receive all your silly ideas as well as the brilliant ones; I need to stare into those blue gems and not worry that I've seen too much. Let me learn every inch of your skin with my touch, with my mouth, let me hear the rhythmic beating of your amazing heart, allow yourself to feel my breathe on the back of your neck as we lie in my bed, as I hold you, warming you.
So many sweet responses stop short of being uttered. All I ever manage to say is “nothing, nothing important.” Nothing couldn’t be farther from the truth
This nothing is all I deserve though, even though there are moments when we are close to being everything for each other- it will return to nothing, when there are moments of perfection- back down to nothing, when you are THAT happy with me- yet, still I provoke nothing more then nothing. And although you allow me to see what it would be like to love you, and I allow myself to indulge in that fantasy of giving myself completely over to you- you let me fall back to nothing.
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| Ask me to stay |
| 01.22.04 (12:24 am) [edit] |
I could tell she wasn’t feeling well, unusually sad and melancholy, so I made her dinner and small talk. The mood lighten and eventually there were glimpses of her. A smile returned, a sarcastic comment or two, and finally more meaning full topics reached, I started to clear the table; she reached for my hand. Surprised and shaken, I held the dishes, but not my heart.
[i]Ask, me to stay.[/i]
[i]For any reason, just ask- cause you know the answer and I know the consequence. In the very least, I get to make love to you and at best my heart is devastated for only a while longer. Ask me. It will mean nothing to you, and everything to me. Just say what you need from me. Who needs a heart anyway? I don’t, especially not when mine is unrequitedly attached to you. So just ask again, I'll have the right answer this time. My heart can’t seem to connect anywhere else- so touch me again, I will not flinch. You are the only beacon my heart insists on honing to, let me come home to you. [/i]
Somehow I broke away and I moved from her touch, escaping her fingertips. Visions of my heart shattering like the dishes I’ve begun to wash were inescapable. Visions of her could not be help either. In her sadness, her intensity wass undeniable and sexy. Her tight sweater was more then distracting. A plate slipped from my hand.
Distracted in my thoughts, caught up in the music and as I was trying to figure out how to rip my own heart out, I finally noticed her watching me. Elbow deep in dishwater, two plates to go, a wry smile asked, “can I help with anything?” Timing, my Love, has never been your strong suit. But before I managed that answer, before I could turn, before I realized what was about to happen, she was behind me, pressed to my back, hands moving to my waist. I felt every point of contact, her cheek to the base of my neck, her left hand onto my hip, her hips brought in tight to my body and her other hand came to rest on my stomach.
“Sure, I can’t help” she whispered into my ear.
What [b]should[/b] I have done? How [b]should[/b] I have responded?
I had no idea, I still don't- I just turned and went about the chore of loving her.
Knowing this could lead to know where good, I tried to stop thinking and focused on her and her need tonight. With that soley in mind, there was no hesitation, I know what she wants, what she likes. I found her mouth with mine, softly at first, enjoying her mouth, her whole mouth. From the corner of her lips to the fullness that forms the tenderness in each kiss, I worked. Her tongue slid to find mine- inviting me deeper, I couldn’t resist this fall. My heart shatters, I’ll collect those pieces later. She moved closer. Pressed full against me now, I wanted nothing more than to feel her skin to mine.
“Should we?” I ignored the question and pulled her sweater over her head.
“I mean, is this ok with you?” I moved to her neck and backed her against the wall. She asked me nothing else.
She smelled of a sweetness I cannot describe, my hands in her hair turning her face up to mine; she pulls me into her with a kiss. The cold wall makes her shudder; I pretend it was my doing. My shirt, her satin bra, two pairs of jeans and my inhibitions drop to the floor. And there she was before me, looking up at me, through me-
[i]I have to decide.
That this is ok, right? I’m allowed this, I’m fine- I will live. She needs this from me and her needing anything from me is…. Isn’t this what I’ve wanted? In the very least I get a part of a whole that I can’t fully have. Why not have this then, even if it is just for tonight? The casual hello tomorrow will be nothing new. I decide.[/i]
I continued to work her...
She walked past me not saying a word. Watching each sinnew and muscle that contributes to her grace, I know I made the right decision, if just for tonight. I lay her down on her stomach, hands above her head- and that was where I started. Kissing her hands, having the whole length of her body subjected to my weight she moaned, but not in pain and not of love either.
By the time I got to her shoulders, her patience had waned. She turned quickly, under me, bringing me to her breast.
"Not yet" is somhow uttered from lips that also stole a moment to caress her nipple and another long deep kiss. She moaned again but this time into my mouth and I linger there because of it. She eventually would turn back over, but not for awhile. My mouth rejuvinated, I returned to the muscles I had just admired, the base of her neck- I kissed, then down her spine- I kissed, to the triangle hallow I worked my mouth over her, sometimes with full presence of my lips, then to nothing more then a whisper onto her skin. I let her turn over.
Immediately, she pulled me up to her, but her eyes already closed, I don't think it is me she is kissing, I don't care. I'm the one [i]with[/i] her right now. Turning over and over each other, hands wandering, teasing, we kissed like known lovers and I continued to love her as one.
Tracing her collarbones, I heard her heart. With my tongue tempting the last strands of her patience and her chest, I felt her heart. If only it was mine to hold. If it were mine to love as if it was my own then...
I glance up at her and I found her looking down at me, staring down my thoughts. Neither confirming nor denying them, I begin again with my mouth to her stomach. I resumed the task at hand, at least I knew her body was mine because I could feel every artery every vein pulsing in anticipation. Her breathe deep and quick into her lungs, the subtle arching of her back, the not so subtle spreading of her legs.
One last look up, but she was miles away, biting her lower lip, thinking about who she'd rather have here kissing her inner thighs. But stopping now is not an option, I lost myself in the softness that unfolds between her legs and I slowly started to bring her to climax.
Employing everything from my tongue, my mouth and hands, I found what she needed. Not a word spoken, but she told me so much. She moved with my touch, directing me to where I could manipulate her best. A breatheless exhale, her tightening and final pressing reaction told me that my time with her was almost complete. She ran her hands through my hair, she brought her whole self to me, finally letting herself go and with that she was still.
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| when i thought about you today |
| 01.21.04 (11:01 pm) [edit] |
I want nothing more then to know silence,
surrender and withdraw into solitude
concerned by nothing more
nothing else
not with you
not with me
not any single other soul
But how when words keep waking me,
you keep stirring me
moving what is better left sullen and still-
the once ashen
now smoldering
rampant and renegade,
ravishing throughout
eroding sharpened reason,
forming fantasies
of you
with me
and not any single other soul
overwhelmed and subdued
leaden stone endures
though worn and weathered.
the once full-heart remembered
and again restrained
why not you
why not me
why not any single other soul
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