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Just when I thought it was safe to say hello
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Love and trust, in the space bewteen what's said and what's heard in our life, makes all the difference in the world- Mr. Rogers
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| Just when I thought it was safe to say hello |
| 01.28.04 (11:18 pm) [edit] |
I wish you would stop, I wish I could tell you how much you hurt me and how much effort it is to endure your presence. There are moments when I'm right there looking at you and I need to say "let me love you again", more than I need to breathe.
But then there are nights when I walk out your door and want nothing more than to never return. When I would rather never hear you speak again than to hear "see you tomorrow, and goodnight, my sweet friend." I am at the point where I will keep walking, instead of trying to explain that I can't take just watching you anymore. You just don't get it- listen and not just to my words.
It is bad enough that I've listened to stories about all the other women not worthy of you, but whom get to be in your thoughts, in your bed. It has been bad enough to recognize that, yes I had a chance, a chance I wasn't ready for then, but now... well, haven't been thought of since. The maddening question, if I had said what you needed to hear that night, would I be sitting here instead writing a love song?
I wish you knew the continued pain because then you would realize how difficult it is for me to be just "around" you. You wouldn't call just to say hello and ask where I've been or why I haven't stopped by. You wouldn't put Ani on or anything else that means so much to the both of us when I do muster the courage to see you. I would hope that you wouldn't take my hands and rub them down- "because i know it relaxes you."
I know you think you are helping, "isn't this what friends do." No, no they don't but if they do then I just can't accept that from you. I can't accept your everyday without wanting to be part of your everynight. I can't see you and know I'm nothing more to you than just a friend. I can't have you crying in my arms and not want to kiss away your tears before they form at the corner of your eyes.
I don't know how to ask. I don't think I could actually say No to you, so I will walk away and for my sake don't follow- not even to say you love me.
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posted by: guyanestinq (reply)
post date: 01.29.04 (6:40 am)
I soOooOoo understand what yOu are blOggin abOut. Cheer up. Im going thru da same thing.
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